The Daily New Deal
Washington DC correspondent Marty Hackl
March 24, 2009
Then New President Busy at Work.
President Mike Hucakbee yesterday vetoed the latest S-CHIP bill revived by Congress in this new administration. Huckabee stated his reason for the veto: “When is this Liberal Congress going to get their priorities straightened out? If they pass my new ‘A Bible for Every Child’ legislation, I might consider a little something for healthcare – at least for Christian children.”
The President also threatened to withdraw any federal funding to public schools for science, history and social studies until, as he says, “…the schools start getting it right. Beginning with this evolution nonsense!”
“Our new Constitution will not allow the government to support public schools that teach children that God is a early primate.”
Questioned further by confused reporters, Huckabee explained “The Bible says that we were created in God’s image. Well, if we evolved from monkeys, that would make God a monkey. And we all know God’s no monkey”
In other news, Secretary of State Chuck Norris is in Austria this week to address the parliament there. The prime minister said in a press conference that he would not attend, further stating that he was deeply offended when Secretary Norris stepped of his plane with his Colt 45 strapped to his waist. “We are a peaceful nation” the prime minister said “and will no longer be intimidated by the United States’ Texas style diplomacy.”
In response to reporters, Norris said that he meant no offence. He was just hoping that if he had some free time while in Austria, he was thinking of looking up Nick Dundee and maybe would do a little hanging out together in the Outback. Asked about the gun he replied, “Y’know, crocs…and dark people.”
Before he returns from Europe, Norris will make a stop in Belgium. He told reporters that it would be a short meeting with the government there to try to convince them to get their people to speak their own language.
“Americans are confused enough as it is with all this foreign language stuff. How are we gonna be able tell one terrorist from another when the languages are all mixed up? You’ve got to get tough with people that won’t speak their own national language!” He cited the new American policy where anyone heard speaking a non English language in a public or private place is arrested and interned indefinitely at the new U.S. facility in Syria.
Meanwhile, vice President Fred Thompson is still undergoing drug therapy. His spokesman said “It’s amazing what can be done for Alzheimer’s these days with all the new medications.” Reporters caught up with Thompson’s wife on Donald Trump’s Yacht.
She had little comment on the current status of her husband’s health other than to say that, “People with Alzheimer’s can live for years. “You’ve just got to keep them breathing and get some food down that tube into their stomachs one or twice a day. Yeah, I think he’ll be okay. He got to be – we’re already planning the campaign for 2012!”
And in final news, the Dixie Chicks were relieved at not having to respond to overtures President Hucakabee made to them that maybe they would let him play bass guitar in their band. The President’s advisors made it clear to him that the Dixie Chicks concert schedule was not in line with the President’s own travel agenda and it just wouldn’t work out. The Chicks collectively stated “Phew!”
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